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  • Writer's picturehannahhogan221

Single But Not Alone

So many times during my trials as a single woman, I have longed for someone to

be by my side-encouraging me, lifting me up, preparing meals for me when I’m

sick, wiping tears from my eyes when I cry...

But then I think to myself, “And which guy have I dated who I would want by my

side through this? The one who only talked about himself? The one who argued

with me all the time or the one who only spewed lies to me?”

We always want what we don’t have and when we are going through trials and

tribulations, it is only natural to want someone to hold our hand through it, but if

we don’t yet know how to recognize love, anything or anyone else is going to be a

real pain in the butt to have around when times are hard.

Recently I went through a trial, my own battle with Covid-19, and I thought to

myself at one point how I wished there was someone in my life who could help me

get through this, but then I thought about how needy some of the men in my life

have been and I felt gratitude that they weren’t around. Covid really did a number

on me. I didn’t think I was going to make it out alive. I am not saying that for

dramatics. I truly did believe I was dying on a Thursday afternoon, alone in my

apartment in between phone calls to my parents. I could feel the devil upon me: a

complete darkness, a huge shadow that enveloped my entire bedroom, a

heaviness, an unholy stillness in my home I have never felt before. I couldn’t pray it

away. I couldn’t repent it away. It was on me and it wanted to end my life. It was a

constant battle for me: remembering the visions the Lord had given me for my

future despite how horrible and how weak I physically felt.

Once the ambulance cleared me and left my apartment, I felt depression creep in. I

wasn’t going to die after all, but I was alone and I was very, very sick with covid

pneumonia. I had days left of being alone and isolated. No one could come hug

me. No one could hold me. I felt terrible physically, mentally, emotionally.

How could someone who loved her life and enjoyed being single suddenly feel so

hopeless? Quarantine. Quarantine and the physical breaking down of an illness. I

understand now how suicide rates shot up in 2020. I was never not compassionate

toward those who suffered with suicide last year, but now that I have experienced

it first hand in regard to Covid, I get it and I am so sorry for anyone who lost

someone to covid or suicide.

I cried a lot during my battle with covid. I cried out to God. I prayed. I was so weak

and short of breath that I couldn’t speak on the phone for long periods of time. It

was a truly dark time for me.

But then God...

I was very sick one day, feeling alone and frightful that I would never recover when

my phone went off. I received a message from a woman I have never met before on

Instagram. She told me I was such an inspiration to her, that she too had the same

chronic illness as I do and she merely wanted to message me to tell me I was an

amazing person. I asked her some questions about her experience with the illness

and I prayed for her and shared what I had learned in regard to my own healing. I

asked her how she found me and she said, “believe it or not, I googled

‘inspirational people with interstitial cystitis’ and your name came up.”

After that it was like something clicked for me and I suddenly felt a deep urge to

begin praying for people..mostly women. Names would come across my heart and

I would just pray for them. Messages would come to me online from women in my

past or women I barely knew. Some women knew I was battling covid and they

wanted to pray for me or help me with groceries and in return, I prayed for them.

It’s what got me through it, honestly. It may sound cheesy, but taking the focus off

of myself and my own battle and praying for others and speaking life over them

really got me through my covid despair.

If I had a man in my life, he probably would have just been jealous I was spending

more time talking and praying with other women who were also hurting because

those are the kind of guys I tend to go for...insane...

I am grateful I am coming out on the other side of covid and I am so grateful I

didn’t have an unhealthy relationship that needed my attention and care as I could

hardly care for myself for several weeks. I feel relieved in just writing this.

I think it is so easy to go through hard and difficult periods in our lives and fall into

self pity, despair and loneliness. What is difficult is going through those times and

convincing ourselves we truly are better off alone during some seasons.

Sometimes being alone is where we have to be to get to the next level of where we

are going.

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